I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!