I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
me hitting on a model
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*