@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

@yungsweater: *Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"

@Kim_pulsive: I'd rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@Metalligretch: People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.

@whalesmells: When someone you don't like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.