There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂