Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
God making man in his image was the original selfie