Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
This classic never gets old . . .
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The two types of wives