COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!