COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
This checks out
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.