Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: