I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
only 11 steps left
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.