Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…