@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@daemonic3: They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
@Cheeseboy22: My sensitive toothpaste can't stop crying.
@ednition: I'm not letting anyone into my head until I've cleaned up the place.
@the_couch_guy: People of Twitter:
If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
3: I don't want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It's full of dead people.