@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@jonnysun: FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say "oink"
@garrydavenport: Watson: "Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?"
Holmes: "DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!"
"MY DUST COLLECTION!"
@JT_IV_: What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night