@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@Brampersandon_: FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
@JasonLastname: Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
@Donna_McCoy: "Just gonna take a little off the top" I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
@EasilyTempted: If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.