@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@ThisLocalHater: Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?
@fart: im online
@honeybadgerMel: Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
@emilymaej: I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.
@DustinSiskey: One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, "YOU'RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!"