@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@lilgapeach30: Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
@cloudypianos: i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
@NamestartswithZ: MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan't affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
@mattZillaaaa: [job interview]
"So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?"
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?