@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@Try2StopME: Doctor: "Hey, how are you?"
Patient: "I am good"
Doctor: "Ok. Next."
@howe007: If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
@TheTimmyToes: "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
@SummerCandyEyes: I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting "wrong hole!!" at inappropriate times, like when you're eating.
@murrman5: My boss said when I'm at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said "you're the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it"