@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@slimmy_shady: She told me she'd do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
@Brianhopecomedy: I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
@Mr_Kapowski: I haven't cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox
@twilighteyes08: An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.