@EndhooS: Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
@MaraWritesStuff: Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
@Samzen_: Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
@LolitaDrugs: me @ my friends
@JordanPeele: I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.