[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.