COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Breaking news:
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars