Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
You Might Also Like
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
car not found
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all