COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
let’s discuss
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Boom, boom, ching!