cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.