cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right