My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
You Might Also Like
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”