COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Overindulged this afternoon.
socratic questions
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Thrilling chase underway
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap