Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.