COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.