COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[montage of me giving-up]
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.