Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Not helping
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo