Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called