@bridger_w: At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
@BradBroaddus: Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That's the rumor!
Cashier: ...
@AndyAsAdjective: Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
@ReeseButCallMeV: What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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