@bridger_w: At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@BradBroaddus: Me: Thank you! Cashier: You have a good one! Me: That's the rumor! Cashier: ...

@AndyAsAdjective: Did you dream of me, baby? -Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk? No, silly. -Then no.

@ReeseButCallMeV: What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.