Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Sharon, call the vet
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.