The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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my retirement plan is braless
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.