Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Yes my dude
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.