If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary