cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
For the ones in the back.