cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
You Might Also Like
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.