Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.