COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
This 4th of July, please remember…
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.