COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
💻🤡
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.