Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true