100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs