9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes