Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
this is the best day of my life
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.