I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship