Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.