Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
These 3D printers are insane!
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Crying is a sign of leakness.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me too 😆
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.