Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I think I’ll stand
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.