COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating