COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
emergency phone
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“you changed” bro i was 15
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire