Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
OMG 🤣🤣
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”