i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
🍞🦆
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
#gardening
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.