Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Taliband
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
me, too, girl. me, too.
My safe word is Worcestershire
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*