Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?