Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet