What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes