The game has officially changed 😎
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
what?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward