COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times