COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You Might Also Like
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
hackers play passwordle
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*